Dear Diary,
Wrote this for Wanaume last week, and right now I'm scounging off of Internet at Wanjeri Gakuru's office as she dreams away in a meeting.
(There's no proof of that, by the way.)
To my right is the delightful lady you know as Jacque Ndinda. I know her as Jacque Ndinda.
Keep scratching your head Diary, you'll figure it out. If there's anything to figure out.
So here's the Wanaume post. Everything you need to know about the origin of the post is within the post itself.
Yes Diary, I'm cheating on you with another blog.
Speaking of cheating... That's for another day.
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I was going through my timeline this morning as I was doing my Breakfast show, and bumped into this tweet, in an ongoing discussion:
You're also curious, aren't you?
Which would naturally lead you to wonder what informs such a tweet:
RT @jimchuchu: My bigger concern is the kind of leaders who sign such stupid agreements. Re:http://wanau.me/GM
Let’s just break down the key points in that article, so that we can quickly get to my view:
- France had 14 colonies in Africa.
- These states signed an agreement seeing to it that:
- They put 65% of their foreign currency reserves into the French Treasury
- They put an additional 20% for financial liabilities
- If they need more they have to borrow their own money from the French at commercial rates
- France has the first right to buy or reject any natural resources found in the land of the Francophone countries
- In the award of government contracts, French companies must be considered first
- Any citizen, up to and including First Ladies, can be claimed by any senior member of the French administration as their wife or concubine, as they may deem fit
Ergo, 85% of the money is in a French safe somewhere in the form of diamonds from some other war-ravaged Francophone nation, and if they need money, they have access to only 15% of it, after which, hello loan forms.
I was joking, by the way. On the wives part.
Now, I refuse to condemn the leaders that signed that agreement. I refuse to call them gullible, selfish, or any of those words that often come to mind when you mention the phrase “African Leaders”. See? Like that phrase that just came to your mind.
Instead, I applaud the French. Some people somewhere took time out and thought this through in a way that puts Michael Stone (the TV series “Hustle”) to shame.
Imagine these guys outfoxed.
*switch to French accent*
Pierre: Bon. We ‘ave zees people, and zey arre demanding liberté. But we ‘ad been profiting very much from zeir plenty resources, and now we will no longer ‘ave zem.
Jean: Oui, very unfortunate. But zere ‘as to be way in which we can continue benefitting from zem…
Louise: I ‘ave idea. Every Christmas, we offer free ‘holiday for President and top government officials.
Jean: No no no, zat will not be working. ‘oliday will not assure us zat President and government will be giving good business.
Pierre: Jean ‘as reason. No promise for success in zat. We ‘ave to be ‘aving solid plan.
Louise: I am understanding what you are meaning. But what options are we ‘aving?
Jean: Do you sink zey will be signing agreement?
Louise: Excusez-moi?
Jean: Oui, signing agreement.
Pierre: Agreement for?
Jean: Zat zey will be committing zeir money in our Treasury…
Louise: *emphatically* No. Zey are African, but zey are not too stupide. Slightly stupide, but not too stupide.
Pierre: But we could be hiding zat fact.
Jean: But how?
Pierre: We could be telling zem zat we will be storing money for zeir government because we have more developed banking system.
Louise: J’aime ça; zat could actually be working…
Jean: But not all of it. If we say all of it, zey will immediately oppose. Maybe if we are saying 85% of zeir money only…
Loiuse: Still too much. Zey will be seeing loophole and zen zey will be screaming about “sovereignty”.
[collective sigh of contemplation, silence in the room. Louise’s face brightens up]
Louise: Unless…
Jean, Pierre: What?
Louise: We tell zem only 65%, additional 20% in case for, how do zey call it… Ah, oui: additional 20% for what zey call en Anglais “back up”. Or “liabilities”.
Pierre: But zat will not be promising French companies business. For growth of our own business.
Jean: True true.
[collective sigh of contemplation, silence in the room. Jean’s face brightens up]
Jean: Unless…
Louise, Pierre:What?
Jean: We say because we are keeping for zem zeir money for government safe, our companies get premiere consideration for contracts. You know, comme des amis.
Pierre: Yes, zat will be working. “As friends”.
[they share a collective laugh]
Louise: And zen, all resources as well, we become first to know. “As friends”.
[they share another collective laugh]
Pierre: And zen, still “as friends”, we also tell zem zat all their women belong to us. “As friends”.
[Pierre laughs alone, Louise and Jean look at him with cold, almost dismayed stares. Pierre realizes this and awkwardly stops laughing]
Louise: I told you Pierre, zey are slightly stupide, but not too stupide.
Pierre: Désolé.
Jean: You should be. Now go draft zose agreement and let’s get zem to sign while we dangle carrot of independence in zeir faces.
Okay kiddies, entertainment done. You get the idea: Yes, African leaders, blah blah blah, but the evil part of me just has to admire the brilliance in the entire set-up.
Thank heavens the English are significantly dumber.
Wait. Maybe not. But that’s for another day.
Some champagne to celebrate the long-term vision of French leadership, and a toast to the hope that Africa shall get to that level of foresight.
French leaders even have hot wives.
(All hail champagne: Yet another product of brilliant French thinking.)
DISCLAIMER: The views represented herein may not be an accurate depiction of history as it played out. Neither do they represent the views of the French government, nor of wanau.me. Really, they don’t. They are more style than substance. That said, the parties associated with this article, including Marcus Olang’ and the overall wanau.me enterprise, shall not be held liable for whatever truths may dawn upon the reader, nor for any rumours that may or may not begin circulating as a direct or indirect result of this article.
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I need to go back to writing other stuff Diary. We'll discuss the cheating later.
Marcus.
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